1334hrs

I have like 20 more minutes to leave for work. Kind
of feeling bored and lazy. Not much improvement
at work. I try hard but lazyness and habitual is lacking
my way. ok i dont feel like writing anymore.

1336 and getting ready to leave for work.

New day to start with and looking forward to better.
Well i know it will come back to the same thing.
Least i am playing my part.. ha ha

Very fresh and it a sunny afternoon to begain the
day with. Thinking of nothing much and thats it
for the day,

17th April 2011
0309 hrs

Cant sleep, got up and had my shower and now surfing.
Well life seems too impossible to adapt. But i will
keep trying and i need more inspiration and a positive
attitude. I hope i will move on and on. The music is
kind of nice and making me up.

Life is going on and few days back i downloaded my
voice journal and kind of made me smile and stupid.
Same things repeated every day and the silly things
i did. Was a memory and i have come this far and i
dont know if i have changed at all. I feel as if back
than was better than now cause i feel as if this time
is worse off than that time. Always in trouble than
now as if i have no life at all. Only thing is i now
know who i am and why was i unique. But i cant
change a thing about it. Too depressing and
frustration. Lets see how far can i go on.

Ok so when i was sleeping and i was trying to think
of a paradise of greenary. Trees, grasses, animal and
all other nature. I was trying to put my self at that
location and live the moment. But the mind so
messed up that it wondered to other area. Tried
hard but no success and instead 4 Roya stag appeared.
Later i thought what could it be releating. And i assume
since i am not fincally able and cant return back or move
on to other area the only way for me to calm was the
4 Royal Stag. Am accepting it and lets see what happens
cause now its 324hrs and if i can make it in the morning
i will go and get it. My only friend for my life cause
only it understand it. Although it ruins my health it
really makes me happy. I dont care what tomorrow may
come i live for the moment. Cause for tomorrow to
come you have to live for the moment.


I guess i ought to log off for now... i will leave for the
other days to write and while i will surf for relexation.

Now 905am and i am all set to go to the city to get my
energy drink. Its a necessaty for a man like me. Have
not slept from yesterday and its going to be like 24hrs
if i come back on time. And hopefully i am going to
sleep than. I am happy and life goes on and i feel very
positive and looking towards for the days of my chapter
of my role play in an everyday life. Smells fresh and
ohhhhhh.. Its going to be a toxicating for the next 2 days..
ha ha.. singing too... and not forgetting cooking..
got to go..

12th was gone and 13th

Today was Benidicto Junior and Thia farewell and
i am sure very happy for them espically B.J. I am
proud and wish i had said something but i was not.
Well i guess i am dumb and useless. Ok no regrats,
least i was there cause no use regretting. i will cherish
the time we worked and it was one of my happiest
time that i had enjoyed my time. Best of wishes to you
and so long...

My verdict...
I am ok..
I just need my 3 Royal Stag...
Need to enjoy..
Than work hard...
Life has a road map..
Need to find it or make it..
Good night..

336am
I think what am i?
Why?
What must i do the wrong thing every time.
I know i hurt you even deeper.
Thought it was better for the both of us.
Than i come back and i really hate myself.
It would have been better if i could have
put a smile on your face.
You dont deserve this and so do i.
I could have changed and you could have
been my angle.
Even devil need affection and so do i.
So what do i do next??
Should i start a different approach cause
everyone is ment for someone.
You would have accepted it too.
Cause we are suffering in silence and
i am not doing much.


I will try one more time to take your
heart and if it does not work..
I know it will work cause you are
very hurt i can feel it cause i am
getting messages,,, like my finger got
hurt and its just not a finger, its the one whose
veins is closest to the heart.
Will try to put a smile on later and i know i can.
Cause we are ment to be together......


Good luck to me and please dont do something
carzy cause you are a strong lady.

5th April 2011..

I am flying... i am listening to music by Rod Steward songs.
Its not that i am particularily listening to it, it just appeared
from the bunch of songs that i am playing. Now i just forward
it and the next is 'November rain'. Dont think i need to mention
artist cause its a classic and one of the best of the 80's. Ok..
So here i am todays my off and i am trying to make it as
meaningful as i can cause i was almost insane yesterday cause
sometimes it happens and i guess my faith saved me from it.
And i am happy that i am not going to the city to buy 'poison'.
I mean alcohal for the fact. Its good thing that i am trying to
change cause.. Well lets see for this section. Cause action
speaks louder than words.
|Its almost 1014am and i am feeling hungry.. need to do some
sopping.. so gonna log off for now.

Well yesterday 24th March i cut my hair to 13 cm in lenght
and its going to be like that for almost 6 month. Need to do
some changes like the season.. Now doing some light exercise
cause i need to and its part of me.. thats all for now..

Well its late at night or better early morning.. 0143am
if you know what i mean. just came back from work
and am ready to bed soon and thought of surfiing
before i move ahead and here i am..
Lately been playing TT. and  i dont know if i am
improving or becoming worse cause from the games
that i had played so far. Its totally different cause some
times i am doing great and sometimes i play like i just
started playing. I dont know what kind of skill i should
call it?? It just that whoever i play with my skill will
copy the other person skills. So its like a replica of the
other skill.

Any my life is cool this time round guess i am controlling
my emotion myself cause others emotion comes from
other sourses. Well i think i must try to master this
skill cause its will be very useful compared to others as
this is a bonus skill that i guess i have. Lets see how far
i can go with it and how much i can improve it. Its life
after all. Tomorrow is a challange and i have to face it
and move on and the only way to life is live and move
on. Always look forward and never look back and stop
sometimes cause that is the time to accept the stop.
Its life cause there needs to be some break time too.
It part of life and part of every one.

Good night for now  and i need to sleep cause like i
said 'stop' is important to every day life. Do i have to
say more than this...

Well some of my mobile phone photos

27th Feburary 2011
time 12:52

how time flies as before i started to write this i was thinking
it was 2010.. My mind is not following the current affair and
i guess i must have to buck up my thoughts and move and
catch up with many things that i have missed so far. Now let
me go to youtube for some show.

I am back and just watched a Coca Cola advertisement. It
tell the story of how this drink can change the atmosphere
in a communnity of people. Its actually more of a marketing
theme to grab the attention of people and the viewers of the
TV and giving a message that coke is a offical choice for the
world..

Well again i am checking the other ads..
I am heating the Daal and am going to have my lunch..
||||||||Guess  this is it for today..

Well started my internet connection on the 17th Febuary and its
going smoothly.. need to learn more from the www..
chow for now..

050211 time 810pm..

Ohoooo... whats life...
Here i am trying to write some if i can.. See how far can my
finger works.. Been a long time since i have typed anything...
I dont really feel like typing cause i dont have the mood..
What i hoped for the days to come.. thought i would concentrate
my work and catch up with the things that i have missed in work
life.. but i now realise i ended up nothing to this far.. It just too
tough catch up with the last 33 years.. maybe i try to be normal
.. but i dont think i can i am saying and doing something else..
How do i chang.. its crap and bullshit....

Really hate and i am banging hard on the key board.. feel like
smashing the computer,,, but i cant cause its not my property..
i dont even have a computer at home,, could have bought but
i dont know where i spent the money.. every month i end up
spending around 1000 and i dont know what i spend it on...
Cant believe i am this jinxed.. till now..


Forget about the above and let me start something new.. But
what can i start off with... let me open youtube.com and listen
some songs.. yeaa i am in and surfing.. kind of pressed THE
CLASSIC. one of my favourite korean film... its loud and
its making me inspirational.. but can i write something...
Let see..

Tomorrow my shift is afternoon and i need to go early to
do "the Project"... For one month 2hour of O.T to finish
the 240 plus rooms to clean the filter for my side.. and for
the plumber side they are reparing the tap... an dfloor runner
i have no idea..

Fuck i dont think i can write..

NOw i am listening to John Denver classic... Country road..
Making me hight,,,

|Thats it.. i am done using th youtube..

17th January 2011 and its cloudy outside, possibly going to
rain. How life is going on and the guilt and hurt that i am
feeling inside me. I feel like that i need tobe strong to go on
cause its life after all and in some point of life things happens for
a reason and i have to seize it cause its mine i guess. Just finished
doing gym and i am looking forward to kill the 2hours left for me to
go to work. Well what else can i say but to be able to say the right
words and the action... Ok cant think of much and i want to stop here

27th December 2010 and i am at my sis hostel.. Tomorrow hers flight
to Nepal after like 2 years of work here. Just came back from Boling
centre after our dinner at the Chinese restaurant. Her bf joined us.
After we had a pool game and arcade game. Well i am gonna miss her
for a month and i wish i could go with her. But my turn will come soon
and i have to be patience cause life will come when my turn will come.
any way i am happy that i will be able to look forward to my life thats
coming to.. Well thats all for now as my time to spend here is limited.
Any way chow.. and i will write for sure...

26th december 2010, christmas just over.. Well there is like 5
days to 2011 and i am looking forward to lot of changes in
my life if it is possible. I HAVE to cause i am not leading a
normal life. Any way my sis is going vacation on the 28th
and i am in her room to help her pack up and take some of her
stuff. Any way i am very angry with myself casue i cant
do things that i am thinking of. How useless can i be. I have to
change. Till next time..

30th November 2010 and tomorrow is going to be December
last month of 2010.. i have like 2 more days of off and today is
not included. Which makes 3 days of leave.. Its good to have
rest but whats the use if i dont have much interseting life that i
can say of. Ok like i have much to nag about. The price for
an hour of useage is 5drm and its not cheap. I have to make best
use of the money. I finally realise why i was so different from
others cause my right ear is not functioning and thats why i was
acting different from my early age.. And this has become a habit
 and its tough to change it since i am 32 now and the 32 years i
have acted this way and i dont think it will be easy to suddenly
change to a new person. I dont know why it took so long to
notice myself. Am i stupid or maybe i was concentrating on my
gambling and i was trying to be normal but instead everything
was going very bad. Because of this ifound my problem. Huh....
Well what i felt was i needed someone to understand me and
care for me. But i acted strangely along the way and my thought
for her.. like i was going to emberess her and i am always out of
topic.. I could not even greet her for her birthday.. least i could
have done even if she dont like me.. Some how i think i did stood
a chance.. and i have wasted it and i guess i have to accept the
reality and try to change my life. If i ever have to chance to know
her i will really appreciate her cause how long am i going to stay
this way.. this miserable life of mine.. I just wanted a normal life
but cause of my deafness normal is becoming disastirous.
Why was i so slow to recognise this madness. Thats why may be
she was my answer and.. Aahh.. i really hate myself..
2 more days to spend and
back to work... i just went to gym after like 3 or 4 week of
absence. I have to start doing gym to fill my gap and to be fresh
of my self.
There is like 40minute  left of my hour. and i have to write more
cause i have been MIA for so long and .... I guess i have to take
a lot of  my time to chabge for the better.. I have finished my reading
of the novel 'The Wrecker'. Finished it like in 15 days.. one of my
good record.. Am not proud of it cause if i had done this back when
i was younger,, i would have changed my destiny. ANy way no regrats
but i have to do something about it.. Any now surfing you tube.. any way
i hope my self the best ...good luck..

Ok.. cool.. well todays 3 days off.. cool huh..