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24012007
20:24PM

I CANT STAY HERE FOR LONG. UNLESS MY HEART CHANGES. I HOPE IT CHANGES FOR BETTER. I AM A FUCKING SICK PERSON. AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I AM SICK AND I AM REALLY SICK. I HATE MYSELF AND I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN LIVE. I CANT EVEN HOLD A SINGLE STICK. BUT MAYBE THERE IS A REASON TO IT. BUT WILL I BE ABLE TO TOLERATE THE SIGHT, WHICH I WILL BE SEEING FOR 3 YEARS. I WILL ONLY BECOME WEAK. I HAVE TO PLAN TO LEAVE THIS PLACE TO RELEAVE MYSELF FROM THIS MISERY. I KNOW I CAN BUT HOW CAN I WHEN IT IS SO CLOSE, YET WHO WOULDNT ACCEPTS ME BECAUSE OF MY STUIPED MISTAKE, CANT BLAME IT BECAUSE I AM TO BLAME. I CANT FORCE IT SINCE IT HAS ALREADY MADE UP ITS MIND, NOT LIKE MINE WHICH CANT EVEN DECIDE. I AM TO BLAME FOR ALL THIS FUCKING MESS. I AM THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE PUNISHED NOT HER. I AM SCARED THAT I MIGHT GO CRAZY OVER THIS ISSUE. BUT I AM STRONG, I WILL TOLERATE. ITS HAPPYNESS IS MY HAPPYNESS IF ONLY IT WAS FAR APART. BUT IT IS SO CLOSE. I AM TO BLAME FOR ALL THIS HURT. IF ONLY I WAS MORE DECEISIVE AND POSITIVE ABOUT IT. I AM REALLY SORRY ####. I CAUSED THIS PAIN TO YOU AND ME. PLAESE FORGIVE ME, AND I WILL DO THE SAME IF I CAN. BUT IF I CAN’T, I WILL PLAN, A PLAN TO VANISH AWAY FROM YOU SO YOU WOULDN’T FEEL THE SAME SUFFERING AS ME BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO STAY TILL THAN, BUT I CAN, SO I HAVE TO THINK WHAT IS BEST FOR BOTH OF US. I AM SORRY AGAIN ****. WISH THIS THING DIDN’T HAVE HAPPENED. AND I AM RELLY SORRY FOR THE HURT WHICH I HAVE CAUSED TO YOU AND I AM REALLY HURT DEEP INSIDE, BUT I WILL BE STRONG, CAUSE I REALLY RESPECT YOUR DECISION. WISH I COULD TURN BACK TIME AND CHANGED EVERYTHING, BUT I CANT AND I HAVE TO ACCEPT THE FACT.

Tragedy (041207)

The smile on her face was all that I needed to see, before I could rest in peace. I knew I was going to die, as I have battled the un curable cancer in my stomach for almost a year. As I lay in bed, trying to keep my smile as the pain keeps getting worse. Shuchi was crying beside my bedside. I tried to console her as I couldn’t bear her to see her crying. I told there was no point to be sad, as it will affect my condition. She put on a brave smile, but deep inside she was painfully wounded. As I was having a casual chat with her, she rushed out of the room as she couldn’t control her emotion. I lay there thinking back of what and how we had met up.
It was in 2001, I was working in a manufacturing company as a technician. It was my first day, and I was totally new to the company. I was supposed to be given an orientation by the clerk, but some how she was very busy with her work. As I wondered all by myself in the company, not knowing any one! Some would give me a smile, while some would say Hi. I was observing the place, when I came across an operator. I politely said hi, she responded with a hello. I decided to ask her that I was new and I was checking out the place, as she looked easy to communicate with and approachable. She kindly offered to orientate me. As I didn’t know the place well enough, I accepted her kind offer. She toured me around the place and described the purpose of the company. Finally after an hour, we came back to her designation area. I thanked her and proceeded to the office. In there the Clark told me she will orientate me, but I told her I had been orientated already and all I needed to know was what I was supposed to do. Once I was assigned what to do, the rest was history for the rest of the working hour.
Work was normal, and I would often meet up with Shuchi. As time passed, we were very close. And I could feel the affection I felt towards her, but I always kept it within. I was scared of rejection and I thought the time was too early to tell. 3 month had already passed, and I could tell she felt the same way as I did. But both of us never confronted each other for the chemistry we felt for each other, I guess. We will share good times and often have casual chat at work. But as time passed, the love for her kept getting stronger. One fine day, I decided to try my luck. I proposed to her, but she rejected it. I think it was due to my jokes from the past and the pranks I had played on her occasionally. That why she rejected my proposal. I was totally disappointed and was in total shock. After a while, she came back with a serious face and proposed to me. I was very surprised to hear it from her. She told me she was not playing any pranks on me. My mind was very surprised and all I wanted to respond was a Yes. But my words couldn’t come out from this shock that I received. Finally I accepted her offer by shaking my head. This was how I got to know her. It was only 3 years back, when we had a big quarrel and we split up. After which, I hadn’t seen her for the next 3 years. Now was here to see me in my death bed after one of my friend had told her. I did wanted to see her for the last time, but at the same time I didn’t wanted to let her see me in this state. But none the less she came to see me. The door opens as she enters with tears on her eye. She had bought some snack too. She sits beside my bed and combs my hair with her hand. I feel relaxed. As I ask her how she had doing the past 3 years. While chatting, the pain inside me from the cancer was unbearable but I control myself. I cough and cough, till blood flows out from my mouth. She tries to pat my back to control my coughing. But it was no use. She was about to rush out to get a doctor, as I grabbed hold of her hand. She screams to the doctor and nurses outside, but no ones come inside. I told her to cool down, but she keeps struggling to get the attention of the hospital crew. I told her no one will come, as all the hospital staff had been informed not to come in. As she hears this, she sits beside my bed and hugs me. She asks me why? I than told her that this was my last stage, and I will be dying soon. As I talk to her, she keeps crying and denies that I will not die. Finally after about some time, I could feel I was going to die. So I requested her to smile, as I wanted to see happy. She put on a brave face and smiled while she was crying. I felt so happy, as I was able to see the one I loved before I die. I advised her not to loose hope in life and carry on living. She just nodded her head. Than I reached for her to plant a kiss, before I could kiss her…………………

My Daughter

(060107)

Well today was a fine day for me, except for the hassle at work. Hi my name is Suman and I am working as a manager in a private firm. Now at home, I need to look after my baby daughter who is 3 years old, and her name is Kartika. She is my precious gems, because she is my only child and my only love. Well you see, my wife passed away when Kartika was born. And it has been a juggle of work and baby sitting my daughter. I don’t find it hassle, but the time spent on her is less. So she has to spend the day at the Child Care Centre and in the evening, I fetch her. She always gives me a hug whenever I fetch her. She tells me she hates the child care center. But I always tell her I have no choice, as I have to work to support ourselves. I don’t know if she understand, but she gives me a nod. I believe she understands it. Sometimes she would ask me why she does not have a mum like every one of her friends. I will try to tell her that her mum has gone for a long holiday. And she will return some day. This brings tears to my eyes. She will ask me why I was crying, and I have to lie to her that I have an eye problem. I know she will one day find out, but till date, I have to keep it from her. On Sunday, I will always make it a point to go out with Kartika, as I will miss her most of the time during the week days. I will take her to amusement park and shopping centre. She loves stuffy toys and I make it a point to buy for her. There was a point when I thought of getting a second wife to look after Kartika and the house. I have dated a couple of ladies, but non of them seems interested in my private life. I was about to give up, when my mobilerang. It was my friend Harka. He told me that there was this girl who is the perfect for me and my daughter. This remark he gave me since day one of my dating. Now I was pretty bored with his tactic, so I just gag in the line. But before I hung up, he told me she will be in JB restaurant at 8 pm sharp. Her names Helda. As usual, I gag and hung up the line. The rest of the day was fine at work, except for the constant thought of my daughter. Finally it was 5pm and it was time for me to leave and fetch my daughter. So I headed to my daughter school and as usual, she was waiting for me in the gate with a long face. But once she saw me, her face changed and rushed toward my car. I alighted and gave her a hug and asked her how her day was. She told me it was boring and asked why I was late.
We were home by 7 and I was about to prepare the food, when my mobile rang. I looked at it and it was Harka. Pretty pissed with him, I rejected his call. But it rang again. This time, I answered it. In the speaker, all I could hear was “Suman don’t forget 8 pm, JB restaurant”.I tried to explain to him, I cant make it, but he hung up the phone. So here I was one hour to meet this new girl and I was not even ready for it. My mind fiddle and I didn’t know what to do. So I asked my daughter what I should do. She told I should go. Now my problem was I had always left my daughter with the neighbour but I thought why I don’t take her along and she will reject me directly. So I quickly changed and helped Kartika change into a new pair of cloth. Now it was 7:30pm and it will exactly take me 30minute to reach JB restaurant. I quickly grabbed Kartika and carried her in my chest and rushed out the door. I hate making people wait for me. I started the engine and droved like crazy. My daughter was pretty excited to meet this lady, she mentioned how she looks and stuff like. I told her that she was very ugly and she always scolded small children and beat them. With out any knowledge of knowing her, as from the experience I received from my other relationship. At first she was a bit scared but later she told me I was lying. So I just explained to her that I too did not how she is like. Finally we reached the destination. It was already 10 minute late, I quickly parked my car and carried my daughter in my arm and rushed to the restaurant. The door opened and the waiter called me. Mr. Suman, Miss Helda is waiting for you in table 7. Well I figured out her name was Helda since the waiter told me so. As I put my daughter on the ground, I hold herhand and led her to the table. As we arrived to the table, Helda back was facing us. Now we were beside the table and I adjusted my throat to grab her attention. As she turned, she looked very pretty and I was dumb folded for a moment, until my daughter pulled my trousers and patted me on my leg as she spoke “papa she is very beautiful”. I didn’t know what to say, as Helda introduced her self and complimented my daughter. She squeezed Kartika on the chick and instantly grabbed and hugged her. I was surprised as Kartika accepted the hugging from stranger, as she often rejected the grabbing from other people. They got along so well, I forget that we were in the restaurant until the waiter came along to take order. I asked Helda what she would like to have for dinner. She ordered a steak, the same as mine. She also ordered for Kartika a kid meal. We chatted along the meal, as Kartika would often disturb her during her meal. I kind of found Helda attitude pleasing and felt some affection for her. After dinner, we walked at the park and kept chatting. After which we exchanged number to keep in touch. We keep in touch and she would often come to my place to meet up with Kartika and me. Now my daughter was livelier compare to the last time since Helda came into our life. She would fetch her and take her out if I was busy.Finally one day I proposed to her and we got married on 07 January 1978. As they say the rest is history….