2258hrs
30th Nov 2011

Salary was here and the service charge was not
bad around 950++. Its good if the service charge
was always like this. Went out with my sis to the
city and remitted and the exchange was 22.68
which is good and after we had Burger King.
It was very tasty in the first few bit but after which
the taste just disappeared. It like not like when
i first tried many years back. After which we walked
to out bus terminal where the bus comes to fetch.
Along the way we came too early and decided to
catch a taxi. And this ride was horrible. Instead
of the usual 30drm charge this greedy driver
took a long way and i had ended up paying
double. So pissed up that i felt like punching
him. But instead i just gave him the money and
left. Any way learned my lesson and i tried to
cool down as i did not want to hurt my sis. So
i just changed the subject to make her happy.
Well tomorrows afternoon shift and i need to
go for jogging and gym. Need to have a healthy
lifestyle. Now drinking.. and the drinks only
like 2 pack. Hope i can sleep with this.

2223hrs
29th Nov 2011

Just came back from my sis place. Had dinner there.
We cooked chilli potato, tofu with egg and green
brocali whith peas, corn and tomatoes. The food
was fantastic and here i am too full and still have
not digested. So having a cup of medicine before
i go to sleep. Its the alternative solution for me to
get to sleep. Was suppose to be afternoon but my
colleague who is always sick called me last minute
to change the schedule. So have to sleep early for
the morning shift. Dont know what to say to this
person but any ways i am morning got to be
sleeping early.

May be another pack for better sleep. Least its not
like yesterday where i had too much that in the
morning i was still soo high. And the day just
went by in sober mood. Was suppose to exercise
but am too lazy. Need to work out or my tummy
will give way...

Just poured another cup and this will be my last.
Any way logging off now...

1841hrs
28th November 2011

Well its evening and my off was fucking wasted.
Did nothing but just wasted my day and here i am
just got a bottle and just had my first sip. I had
told myself no more but its useless. A whole day
was a hell but now i am going to be in heaven.
Surfing some japanese chicks and listening to
music. Makes it even better. How i wish i was not
here but instead in Malaysia... even if it meant that
i would have died there. What wasted time was that
i got this fucking good idea and i wasted it without
a fight. I would had earned my money but i wasted
it and fucking shit i went back. All that shit time
and thinking just went down the toilet bowl. Why
i dont know why i was so addicted to gambling.
Still now i dont know why. Is it cause it is
addictive or was it that i did not had a life. Which
is which i still dont know and i dont know what i 
am doing now. All my life from 17 till 31 what
the hell was i doing. Or was it cause i did not have
a life or was i looking on the wrong side of lane.
Even if it is i told myself i will walk on the right
side of the lane when i left home to here
but whats the fucking point
here i realise i was one sided deaf and this was
what had caused me to be soo stupid and isolated.
And the best part i am sick of myself and just
struggling to live cause my existence is important
for my love ones. |For how long i dont know but
sometimes i just feel thats it time to fuck off
from this place than to struggle. Maybe this is
the answer. Fuck career fuck friends fuck
everything... I just got to bring myself to be
happy and find the right place. May be i should
leave. Why stay when i am not happy and why
anyways my sibling are old enough. They can
take care of themselves. Hipppiiiooo i got the
answer... let me wait and see for another month.
I dont care if i become poor or a begger as long
i am happy thats it... One more month...

Its simple and i wasted my fucking time for
nothing...

Listening to Rick Astley songs. Reminds me of
the time when i was primary 6N. I was crazy in
love with Chai Hui Ping... Hnag on it not love,
its i had a crush on her. Haha.. Cant believe i
am having the same stupid crush till now...
But this time i really want to get married and
have a kid. I want to be a good father thats why
i cant just go crazy here. I want to be strong so
that i will give my best for my kids in the future.
I have to be smart and i can be. Dont want to
worry about this fucking ear.

Still surfing chicks cause i am a man and i aint
gay.. Hahha...

Gonna change my blog add to another add...

1433hrs
28th Nov 2011

Just had an hour of nap as i felt too bored. Today
is my off and its part of the day thats i like to
do. Woke up in the morning and got bread and
coffee from the shop and even the morning pack
from the housing office. For lunch just cooked
lunch and had pork that my room mate had
cooked yesterday. After which was surfing and
got my lunch from the housing and not forgetting
bought my cigarette. Here i am now blogging.

Its good to be controlling my smoke as i had
only 2 stick from 9am. Feeling good and feeling
too cold. Going to off the AC,..

Been checking my account but the money not
deposited yet and i guess i have to wait for it.

Tomorrow's my last morning shift and after
which i am afternoon. I guess i will miss
morning and i have to accept that.

Sometimes the little things that we have are the
best part of our life. Cause if we go too fast
than we have to be fast and thats why i am
satisfied by the little things. As i am slow.

Having green tea. ONe of the good health
drink.

I just clicked and this song ''Gives you Hell"
OHhhhhhhhh gives me memory of Malaysia.
Remember the time when i used to sing in the
place and wrote the lyric in my book and sang
along the song. Man i am activeeee caompared
to before. I cant believe i was that person and
all the things that i did. Oh that memory and
i am very happy now. Ha ha....

Well i guess life here is so boring and i guess
i have to say its better casue the danger i used
to live passed by without being in danger. I
guess i was extremely lucky to have passed it.
I have keep it aside and use that experience to
make me better in my life.

And i guess i have to change back to
sumanraistoryforyou cause thats the original
of me and the starting of my blog.

Any way thats it...

1856hrs
27/11/2011

I am feeling very tired and sick cause last light i woke
up around 2 am and today work was tough as i had
to work at the cooling tower. Not only way the work
tough the weather was against me. This has caused
my body to weaken i am feeling very weak. I will be
having an early night. Sleep is what i need to
re-energise my body system. Any way just checked
my account and the salery will likely come by 30.
Cause today is public holiday and if even if the
money is deposited it will at least take 2 to 3
working days. Any way i just need more rest.. Got
to sleep. Well thats it for now...Zzzzzzzzz

the time is like 255am a very early morning
of 26th November 2011. I woke up around an
hour ago cause i slept at 8pm after i came back
from work. I felt very exhausted from work and
decide to call an early sleep thats why i am
fresh from my beauty sleep. Althought i am
fresh but my back is not feeling comfortable.
Any way i had dinner at the cafeteria and that is
one of the reason why i could sleep. Any way
after i woke up i made myself a maggie noodle
and had a Pepsi drink cause i was looking for
coffee but there isnt any. My new blog address
seems cool but i guess i am still not used to it
for its new and maybe it will take time for me.

Now i am surfing some youtube and i just had
a smoke. The night is very silent and very
peaceful for me stay up and surf.

Well i guess thats it for today morning cause
i dont feel like writing and my brain not thinking
well so gonna call it for today....

2359hrs
25th November 2011

SUMANRAISTORYFORYOU was my blog
name for like 5 years and decided to change it to
 tryingtochangemylifesumanrai from this day as i
feel i need to change and i have changed. Well i
feel i am a new man and it gives me great joy in
life to start anew. I have come so far in life and
i want to start of new by changing everyday and
be grateful that i am alive and happy. I guess thats
it for me and will write more in the coming days
to come...GOOD NIGHT AND TO MY NEW
BLOG...  KEEP ON WRITING...

2115hrs
25th November 2011

I am lying on my bed and listening to Kiss the rain
by Billie Myers. And i am feeling very tired and
sleepy. Just had my shower cause i had went jogging
and had my dinner packet. Feel like i can sleep with
out cooking. Today was a busy day for me as the
work was quite busy. It went pretty well for i enjoyed
every moment of the day. Just switched on the AC and
i feel i dont have much to write cause i am feeling
very sleepy. |Guess i will wake up early cause when
i sleep early like before 10 i will usually wake up
around 12 or 1am. Lets see.. too tired..

0146am
25th November 2011

Hope you are reading this. Just wanted to share with
you my thoughts.

Good night. Need to sleep later morning shift.

1310 hrs
24th November 2011

Ah... there is like 50 more minutes before i
catch my bus to work. And i am still not doing
what wisdom is all about. See thats me just
killing time and when the situation arises
i am all red and lost. I guess this is what i
like about me. Cause i say one thing and not
putting any effort in the saying. How fucking
lame am i.

1313 hrs.. cool number and its the number
of the time on my right hand side of my note
book. My eye sometimes just crosses to check
the time and number it gives.

Going for a smoke, thought i will not buy for
today but my hand was itchy to spend the money
and the chain reaction is my health declining.
Good Suman.. Keep it up... MOney problem..
health problem.. Mood problem... Appetite
problem... and so on.
Well its 1324 hrs.. just came back from smoking
and before that i hung my laundry. Speaking of
laundry, life here is very easy. Just stuff the
cloth in the washing machine and press start.
Reminds me of Malaysia where i had to wash
my own cloth and i got used to it. I used to
wash all my cloth ftom bet sheet to my every
thing. And how fast i used to wash my jeans.
Think i took like 10 minutes or less. Its a
record for the fact for me. Ha ha.. And instead
of using washing soap i used LUX soap. Yes
the one which we used to take shower. The
one reason why i used LUX was if i use the
washing soap, the cloth stinked and i found
bathing soap was better. But i also learned
to use LUX efficently. The foam that was
left of the first cloth, i used it on the 2nd
cloth. By which i just apply less LUX soap
for the following cloth. Just cant imagine
here just throw it in the machine and just
press the START.

Again nice number 1331hrs... My eyes just
scanned the time and its a nice number... ha ha

I just went to FAcebook and checked my profile.
Man my status is married. Well better leave it
like that. Any way thinking what to wear for my
upper body. For the lower body i am going to
wear my new jeans. Need to seasoned it. The
more seasoned, the better. Any way her BD is
coming. Guess i will just greet her. If by
chance, oh forget it... Any way i will be 34 next
year and how my time is going so fast. And i
would have spent like 2,937,600 second of my
life by next year. Can you just imagine how
my time is ticking non stop since the day i
came into this beautiful world. By which the
ticking can also be refered to my heart. Always
beating no matter what situation i am in. Always
beating... Need to look after it cause once its
stop, everything stops for me. I will do my
very best to take care of myself. But the brain
is the problem. I will try to compromise this
2 important body parts of mine. OK you 2
did you hear what i am saying. Make my life
better and i will make better choices in life.

Time 1341hrs... Need a smoke and wear my
shoes and see if i am looking good in the mirror.

Reapplied my hair with wax and smoke and
wore my blue checked shirt that i bought in
malaysia. Its small but i need to wear it before
 it becomes old. The times is 1357 and i will
be logging off need to catch the bus to work.
Chow..

24th November 2011
1021am

What can i say.... Listening to Normal Academy
'Ghairo Akha' one of the song composed by
ex GC bhanjas in usa. The kid i used to remember
has good talent. Back than he used to be a
normal kid. And here he is making full use of
his life. Guess the right word would be make
the best use of your life.

I look at myself and i cant change is all thats i
know. Its just waste of my time only thinking
and imaginig. This fucking life is after all my life
which i cant change. One of the biggest reason is
that i got my life answer here, and where i found
my answer is not the place to stay and i decided
to leave.Find a new place and new life. I am just
 waiting  for that. I am hoping DV will work out
and in the mean time i will try to improvise myself.
Or else there are many opportunity out there.
Every thing takes time and being patience and
improving is the key to it. I know i am very
better than before and am striving to be better.
But sometimes it brings me crashing down back
to square one. I know i just cant just give up thats
why i am able to write.

Time only 1038hrs and i will be working in the
afternoon and next month straight afternoon. And
i guess thats back to basic like before when i just
recently moved to HVAC. Dont want the old
habit to repeat. Lets see. Cause the 2 AL that i
took, i planned something but ended up doing
nothing. So fucking wasted and what can the
afternoon shift would be like. Cant imagine.

So fuck it and fucking live. Am listening to
NIrvana 'Come as you are'. I feel like the song is
sickening me. Back i used to go crazy over it.
Maybe its time to change.

I just changed the player. sick of the shit. And...
Nothing much to say. thats it. chow.... 

24th November 2011
0122 hrs

Very early in the morning and i just came back
from work. It was very fine and i am talking
but the hearing at the cafeteria was not so good.
Its tough to concentrate and i am getting lost
for time to time. Cant do much about it and..
Hate to write all this shit. .

Today morning was not a bad day had. I think
overall my day went pretty well and i will try
to sleep cause i want to make my sleeping
pattern normal.

Any way there is nothing special that happened
to me and as above what i wrote it sounds
very lifeless. I want to write but nothing
coming out of my head. Well i will try to sleep.

2112hrs
22nd November 2011

2nd Last month of the year and all the memory that
was made weather in good times or bad times. What
can i say about it. Looking back how i wonder i have
come so far in life and wish i could just play back
what had passed in my life. But i cant
and in memory only could i try to recall it. All i can
say is  IT WAS WORTH EVERY SECOND OF MY
LIFE AND I AM GOING TO MAKE IT EVEN
MORE MEMORABLE NEXT YEAR. Although
there is like a month more for next year its good
to express before hand. How life is worth even if i
am worthless. Its the uniqueness of me and thats
the best part of me. No one can copy me and i
guess i am the original. So what better way is to
write it in words and read it back when time tells
me to.

Tuesday is the day and i had a maggie georang and
butter with bread and sandwich form the hostel
dinner package.

Now i am trying a new song and i am stuck after
the first few lines... Its goes like...'' Kaati Ramri,
Kaati Ramri. Suhaai aahhhh koo. Maana Chornea,
Maana Chornea. Muskan dee ya ko." After this i
am stuck and cant go on as my Nepali is not
good. But i kind of like the tone and i feel good
that i composed it myself although it only around
20 second of song. I hope that i can complete this
song with meaning to it. Hopefully...

Any way work was ok and by the way i am
afternoon shift tomorrow just replacing my
colleague. Its 2 days of afternoon and as the month
is almost ending and SALARY round the corner.
Money Money,,, My hard earned moneys coming.
Looking forward to it. Hope the 5% of 11 month
comes and 5% incriment as well. Back few weeks
i had been calculating and planned some event
of the money. Lets see at the end of the month.

Time 2140hrs and how time moves so fast and
looking at the time i have not done much today.
Feeling wasted cause wisdom is time and nothing
can bring it back once it passed. I have to be more
wiser or the time will tick away and i have to
blame myself and when that happens time moves
even more faster. Which i can say stupidity will
only remain of me.

Any way nowadays i am playing SUDUKO a
game or 9 by 9 numbers on the grid. Currently
i have finished 50 of the 100 games and hope
to finish all soon. Once i start, i have to finish
it. And its makes my mentality better. And
currently i am smoking less but today i just
bought a pack and i am feeling bad about it.

I guess thats it for now and hope to write
more. Chow for now.....

I have like only 5 minute to write cause i missed the
first bus at 7 and i am taking 730pm but to my sis
place. going for dinner. Any way it 1925hrs and
21/11/2011...
Now listening to Poison.. every rose has its throne..
And now i have like 4 minute... Its like how time
is so precious and i dont have much of it and
i have to rush. Anyu way going to log off
for now.

20/11/2011
0721hrs

Woke up 20 minutes ago and had orange and did my
shit. My head is feeling heavy from the drink that i
had last night. Finished half the bottle which is not
good for the body but when i start i cant stop till
i drop dead. Well i guess life is a party sometimes.
Very fresh early in the morning and looking forward
for the day to see how todays going to be. Listening
to singapore fm station and going to make myself
bread.....
Just finished my bread and a smoke and my room
mates going to sleep as he just came back from work
. Just to bad for him cause i am afternoon shift and
he night shift.

Well today is a special day and life moves on no
matter what. I am optimistic about it...

18-11-2011
2158hrs

Just finished my dinner, had maggi noodle. First i
boiled the water and added 'sookiti' also known as
dried buffalo meat which Ramila had sent it from
Nepal. It was very spicy as the dried meat is mixed
with all the spices and especially chilli. Feeling
very full and need to let my tummy digest before
i sleep. Just opened youtube and played 'Kaha timro
mayalui lai' a very old song which was played at
Singapore Dashin festival at the drill shed. I was
very fond of the tone and it has special memory
of the festival and other things that happened
at Singapore. Just cant believe i have become so
old but believe i have not aged at all. I know i
am lonely but what can i do except to feel as
though i am happy. I know i was lost in space and
i am trying to move and every day is challenging.
Like today while having lunch as usual i was
trying to get life and suddenly i hear a ringing
in my ear. My only one ear which is the sound
of eveything was ringing and i felt so scared as
i have read such problem and the effect is
deafness. I could feel my sight loosing cause of
the emotion i was feeling. So i quickly finished
my lunch and made my way out to avoide the
noisy environment. And the rest of the day was
one hell of a day as i could not concentrate my
work. So i bought a new cigratte and my day
was smoking all the way. Finally around late
evening i told myself. If i loose my only ear
than i will accept it. But i will try to prevent it
by seeing the doctor. Any way so far i am
feeling ok and i have not have that proble. Went
jogging and did some light exercise.

Well i think i should call it a day for my blog
and thinking of resting.

0425hrs 18-11-2011

I was awake 20 minutes ago and made myself coffee
and smoked 2 cigarette. Guess its part of my daily
dose and i have like 2 more stick left. Dont know
how will my day go without it. I still have like 2
hours left to catch the bus to work. Here i am very
freah from my sleep as i slept at 10pm in the evening
last night and i had like 5 hours of sleep. Its good
that i had a good sleep. Remembering back than i
could not sleep for like 5 days from 8th to 12th Nov.
The only time i slept was like 1 hour or 2 hour
per day. I just could not sleep than and finally on
the 4th day i had wisky to put me to sleep. I guess
i am getting back to normality. Now listening to
some hindi song just to get me in the mood.

I just dont know what else to write cause my
brain getting blank and the songs are making me
sick.... Just changed new song 'Rancid' 'old frind'
One of my classic from the past. Its pretty exciting
as the intro starts off like 'Good morning Heart ache'
. Its sure is, my heart ache.... And i guess its good
to listen to such melidious song... and after which
listen to 'crying in my beer' by 'screeching weasel'
Just so perfect for the morning life to start my
off with. '''wHAT WILL IT TAKE TO MAKE YOU
HAPPY'''. 'cRYING IN MY BEER'. Any way its
good that i am enjoying the song rather than
the hindi song which is too much fantasy. Really
sick of the dancing and singing,, makes life more
miserable after watching such movies and songs.
Lets live in reality.....

By the way last night around 9pm after i came back
from my sis room. I had just changed and i just
wanted to sit on my bed. As i put my ass on my bed,
on of the support from the bed rack just broke
and luckily it broke at that moment. Or else my
laptop would have smashed cause most of the
time i leave it below my bed. Lucky escape or
else i would not be writing here now. After which
i broke the remaning 2 more support and removed
it from my bed. And now my bed is just on the
floor. Its good this way cause its the changes
of the moment.

Any way the time is 0454hrs and i am going
for a smoke. Feel like i need to inhale some
smoke for now.

Well i am back from my cigarette and its one
of my best friend other than Wisky. Wish Beer
was with me but this is middle east and wisky
is more convenient than beer. You know
what i mean. Affordable and less hassel.
I feel high after that smoke and i just watch
'Rancid' concert in Japan. Thinking of making
a tatoo. I think its cool. Maybe i will when
i go vacation. I have something on my mind.

Any way the early morning going smoothly
and going to do some push ups and sit ups.
Like the saying goes 'A healthy man is a
wealthy man'. There is many defination to
this pharse, And for me is as long i am
healthy i get to see another beautiful day.
How wonderful it is to move forward and see
the events unfold in my very eyes.

0511hrs and may be i will surf till 0530 and do
other stuff cause its not good to surf too long
to.

I guess i have to stop for now and do other stuff.
Life's a life after all and its time to stop here.
Chow for now..............

1308 hrs and its 16.11.11 and its a beautiful
afternoon cause i refer back my blog from
yesterday and it gave me all the good memory
from the past even though it was not good than.
It made me so... its hard to explain but i really
felt relieved cause.. damn.., did i did all those
things. I spent a great deal of time to enjoy the
moment as i read on and on.

Any way today i am in the afternoon shift and
i hate afternoon shift but i have to relief my
colleague cause its his off. And tomorrow
i am back to morning shift.

Any way i have labelled my imagination as
'Secondary' cause its not relevant to me and
its sure is a waste of time to imagine. But
it was out of control back and thats why
i am trying my best to control it. "Secondary"
i hope to overcome you and change for sure.
It will take time but i am willing to take the
time and change. I for sure i will overcome
it cause i am changing, even though people
are very far ahead of me and i am so back
to catch up with them. But i dont regret cause
even if i am slow least i know what my
problem was. So satisfied i am and no other
words to describe myself. Thanks for this
blog that i can share myself to see who i was
back than and how far have i came in this
life. One of the most important person i
would like to thank 'HER' cause i was able
to find my weakness which i have been
trying to find for the past 32 years. And again
'HER' cause i realise i should not be afraid
even if i have an disadvantage. And again
''HER'' cause i was always in an world
of my own. Wish i could do something
about it.......................


Any way its 1325.. thats like 35 minute
more to catch my bus.. have to start
preparing to go to work....

As always chow for now...

11/11/11
11th November 2011

The second last year before this special number will
come again in a centuary time. Of course i would be
dead by than. And i feel very special to be living in this
kind of special moment. Well i hope to live even
though my obsticles are far more difficult than most
of the people. I guess this is the so called 'LIFE'. And its
gets more exciting as each days goes on. I guess the right
word is to think of it in a different way. And i am alive
and kicking................................................

319am 7th of November

I have over came my fear of my life. Lonelyness is
what i will face. But i realise i must try my very
best to have less imagination or it will kill me.
So far tell you the truth i am really hurt but its
good that she has someone who makes her happy.
Is it not what i had wanted for her. It is and i will
cry as well as smile. Its the sacrifice a man has to
give in moment like this. In this i found out who
i am and one of the important thing for me is to
reveal myself or fight for myself. Since i have no
one than i have to be strong. I dont know how my
life will move from here. BUt lets see in the
coming days thats will come and if not i will
decide. I just dont want to be crazy or die for
nothing. I have survive one of the crazyest things
that have happened to me so far from my moving
life and i cant stop here. But something tells me
i might quit this job and go back. Lets see how?
Well this is it for now. My life moves on but
in a different way hopefully.